Do you ever listen to my podcasts and go, well, that sounds all very nice and I'm sure it works for you, but I don't think I could do that. I don't think that's possible for me. Have you tried every organization system out there and always fall off the wagon after a couple of weeks, tell yourself that this is the time it's going to be better and then it's not, and then beat yourself up for it?
If that's you, this is going to be the perfect episode. I'm going to tell you about all the things that I still struggle with, even though I teach them to other people and how I got to be pretty much okay with that.
Hello and welcome to episode 25 of season 2 of the PhD Life Coach and this is going to be a bit of a personal one. I have been talking with clients recently who've been sharing how they can sometimes feel really almost hopeless about the prospect of improving the things that they currently find difficult, so people who plan or struggle to stick to their plans and they're kind of burnt out of looking for new systems. They feel like they've tried every single option out there and they never stick to it. And they're beginning to believe that maybe there's someone who just can't do this.
In fact, you're going to hear from one of these clients in a couple of weeks time, because I've got another coaching session coming up where I'm coaching her on the podcast so you can hear our whole session. So keep an eye out for that one in a couple of weeks. But she's not the only person. Other clients have also said that sometimes they get put off learning new systems because they just don't believe that it's going to work. They believe that it works for other people. They believe it could be useful. But they've tried so many things and failed so many times, they almost can't get their hopes up about it. And they almost don't want to put themselves through it because when it doesn't work out, when it just becomes another planner that sits on the shelf or another IT system that you're not using anymore, it just becomes another stick to beat ourselves with.
And a lot of the clients that work with me regularly, really like hearing about the things that I've found difficult because they see me as somebody who, A, I'm a coach. I do all this stuff. I have all these ideas. I have all these techniques that people can use.
But also I was a highly successful academic, you know, I won awards, I made full professor, I've got, I don't even know, 60 plus publications, you know, I did all of those things. And when I tell them the things that I find difficult and they're the same things that they find difficult, then it kind of just gives them a little reassurance that, oh, I don't need to be perfect.
In fact, I had a hilarious conversation in one of my membership coaching. So as many of you will know, I have a membership program at the university of Birmingham where students have annual access to ongoing coaching. And one of the students said, you have to be organized to be a lecturer. It's just like. Mate, have you looked at your department? No offense, and I don't actually know specific people in her department, but any academics listening, you'll know what I'm talking about.
Seriously, there is no way in this world that you have to be organized to be an academic, because if that's true, there's a whole bunch of academics that we could all list that really don't fall into that category. I was like Has your supervisor ever forgotten to give you feedback? Has your supervisor ever, like, failed to turn up for something? You're like, yeah. That's them not coping with their workload. That's them not being able to organize things.
Now I'm not criticizing the supervisors. We all know that the vast majority of this comes from overwork and overwhelm and the unrealistic expectations that this sector has of us. But this notion that you have to be this perfect example of organized, absolutely on top of everything bliss in order to be successful in academia, it's just not true. There's so many examples of people that are a hot mess but doing okay anyway. Now, that's not necessarily how we want to live, and it's not necessarily fun to feel like a hot mess, and we certainly don't want to feel like we're constantly overwhelmed and burned out, but the solution to that is not having to be a perfect organized person. The solution to that is learning to be a pretty good version of yourself and okay with the things that you find difficult.
The first thing that I struggle with is getting started. In the mornings, I consider myself a morning person. I'm pretty chatty. I'm pretty awake. My worst nightmare is to go and stay with friends and them not get out of bed and me be kind of like, come on, what are we doing? What's happening? I hate it, But getting up and actually starting doing the thing I'm intending to do, I find it really hard.
I get super sucked into catching up with a TV show on my phone, or scrolling through social media, or any of these sorts of things. I Get caught up in something that feels easier than the next thing I'm doing and then all of a sudden it's an hour later than I said I was going to start and I haven't started yet.
And I used to make this a massive problem. There were many days, tell me if you've experienced this before, there were many days where if I hadn't started work at the time I intended to and therefore I'd thrown my schedule off, I would essentially give up on the day, not in the sense that I would just do no work whatsoever, but I would be in my mind, well, today's rubbish, today's a write off, I haven't even stuck to it now. You know, if I haven't even stuck to the beginning part, there's no way I can do the rest of it. And so, you know, it's all rubbish, isn't it? And then I'd go through the day in that kind of mood, like defeated, like, and I'd do the bare minimum, I'd go to the meetings I was meant to go to, but I'd waste time in between.
And what I realized with coaching was that the problem wasn't so much the getting started in the morning, the problem was how I was then spending the rest of the day. So I still struggle to get up in the morning. And I say struggle, struggle implies that I'm trying really hard. Part of what frustrates me is in that moment, I'm not struggling at all.
I'm just watching my phone and having a cup of tea and thinking, Oh, I'll start later. And that does still frustrate me and I'm still trying out tactics to make it a little bit easier to move myself on. But what has made it enormously easier is that I'm much better now, but when I do get going Of going, right, what are we doing?
Picking the thing, going, or following my plan, if I've made one, we'll talk about that in a second. But, not beating myself up about the fact that I didn't start when I intended to, but focusing much more on what I can do now. That's the bit that's improved. I'm now much better at getting going on the thing that I said I'd do now. And making sure that that bit happens. And making sure that I squeeze bits in as I go through. And telling myself I can implement the rest of my plan. And then if I do that, it will be a pretty good day and it really can often be a really good day.
One slightly weird technique that I can't remember whether I've ever shared on the podcast before, so bear with me if I'm repeating myself. I used to be part of a coaching program called Focused with Kristen Carder. If you have ADHD, I highly recommend it. It's really good. And we have body doubles where we would dial into zoom calls and just tell each other what we're working on. And then kind of not monitor, but like, just feel like you were there with someone while you were working. It was a really good way to get things done. And these people were all over the world, right? Some of them, and a lot of them were in the US. And what that meant was that if I was logging on at like half nine, ten o'clock, beating myself up about the fact that it wasn't 8am when I expected or intended to get working, there would be people there who'd be up super early working at like 7am, 6am their time. So I went through this phase of just adopting their time zone. I'd be like, I'm in New York, it's 6am, I'm super organized, and I'd just do that. And there was something about it that just changed the vibes for me. So if you struggle to get going in the morning, first step is to make sure you're not allowing that to poison the rest of your day.
We're not gonna ignore it. I know some of you are going, yeah, but I need to start going on time or I'll never get everything done. We're not going to ignore it. We are going to try and tweak it, but we're going to start from removing this kind of knock on impact of that. From there, we can get more experimental. I'm more kind of trying things out now. I'm not beating myself up. I'm not thinking my day is ruined if I haven't started on time. I'm just Going, Oh, I wonder what happens if I start with writing. I wonder what happens if I start with exercise. I wonder what happens if I start with a dog walk. Whatever it is, I try different approaches.
I'm definitely getting up earlier. Definitely getting up earlier. I'm not, still not getting up exactly when I want to, when I tell myself I should, which is a whole other conversation, but it's better. And you know what? I'm okay with that. Better is good enough at the moment.
So the second thing that I talk a lot about in coaching, in fact, I have a whole episode about is time blocking. I use an approach called role based time blocking, which you can hear, I've got a whole episode about it, but essentially the idea is that you don't have to plan exactly what tasks you're doing in every block, but you plan what hat you have on. So as a PhD student or academic, you might have a teaching hat. You might have a data analysis hat, a report writing hat , you might have a reading hat, et cetera, et cetera. Okay. You get the picture, you get your different roles. As a business owner, I have I have coach, I have course preparation, I have operations like the admin behind the scenes, I have marketing, those sorts of things.
And with role based time blocking, you essentially block in what role you're going to take in each slot. And then from there, work out what tasks you want to do. So in that marketing role couple of hours, you're only going to do marketing tasks. In the operations one, you're going to do these. And it can, it's a simpler way of time blocking than putting specific tasks in.
It's really good if you're not very good at judging how long a task will take because as long as you stay in role for that whole block, then you've achieved it as it were. And I find it super useful and I've been using it for maybe three, four years. And when I tell people that, they assume that I mean that I block out my whole week and then I do what's in my blocks and I'm like this perfect embodiment of role based time blocking. I, that, no, that, that is not what I mean by using it. By using it, I mean that most days, or most weeks, I plan most of my role based time blocking things.
I could show you my diary. I could show you some weeks where, you know what? There's whole days that I haven't put anything in. I'm like, I have no idea what I did that day. I do. Cause I have some notes of what I do each day. But in terms of the diary, I haven't put any time blocks in at all. Cause I For whatever reason, decided I'm not to, and didn't do it, so just did some stuff.
Other weeks, you can see every time block in there, and I may be stuck to 60 percent of them. Something like that. But the reason I still use it, and the reason I still consider it a hugely effective system, Is that when I do use it, my week goes better, my day goes better. And when I don't use it, I'm really pretty good at not beating myself up too much about that.
And just going, Oh yeah, you didn't do that for the last couple of days, did you? Well, let's do that for the next couple of days. And just sort of start it back up again. And I find that even on the days that I plan it out and then have to move things, it still goes better than if I hadn't planned it out.
Because it's easier to know what I should be doing. It's easier to know what tasks got bumped because of the emergency or whatever. So there's much greater awareness. There's much greater intentionality. And so far for me, as a way of organizing my time, it's the least worse option. You know, people talk about democracy as being the least bad system of government.
It's a bit like that. You know, I'm not that great at organizing all my time and sticking to the things I intend to do. But this is the system that I stick to the most and where I get the most benefit from, even when it's implemented imperfectly. And it is always implemented imperfectly. I don't think I can think of a week that I have ever done every single block in my, that I intended to do. And I mean, that would be nice, wouldn't it? So it was like computer games. Can I achieve perfection one week? Maybe I set that self as a goal, one week this year, I'm going to have a week where I do my time blocks absolutely perfectly. But if I work better doing it imperfectly than I do, if I don't do it, happy days. I'm okay with that. So I want you to think about what systems for you, are you able to implement imperfectly that would still make things better than they are at the moment?
Another example of that, my third thing I struggle with is task management. And that kind of relates, right? It's my list of things to do. I have a fancy little Excel spreadsheet that I really like this system. So I have columns where it's, when am I intending to do it, as in what week am I intending to do these things? What tasks are there? What role do they fall into? So what type of task are they and are there specific deadlines or whatever associated with it?
And I add filters in the top. So one of the things that I'm able to do with it is filter anything that I do need to do, but not this week. So often we get in our heads like, oh, and I've got that conference, and I've got that paper, and then in two months I'm going to be doing this, and da da da, and it can really add to our cognitive load to have all those things in our heads, even though we're not meant to be working on them now, knowing that we are going to have to in the future really can make that feel very overwhelming. And so what I love about my system is that I can filter, on the columns and just have the things I'm intending to do this week. In fact, let me know. So you can either contact me on social media, on all the usual places. I'm at Dr. Vikki Burns on Twitter. I'm the PhD life coach on. Instagram, or you can email me via my website, the phdlifecoach. com. Let me know whether you would like that Excel file as a freebie.
I can share that with you and show you how it works. So I really like the fact that I can filter and be, only show me things I need to do this week, only show me things that are in operations. I've got my operations time block. I'm going to do those tasks. It works really well. Sometimes, quite often, I end up with bits of paper like this all around as I've thought of something. And what I then do is at some point when I go, Oh my God, my desk's a mess. I start sticking them into there, get rid of the paper, bring myself back to that system.
And. I would usually, in the past, call that a fail. Like right now, I'm looking at my desk, and I've got three post it notes here that I've got things on that I need to do. I've got another bigger post it note over there. And then I know in my notebook there's a bunch of tasks that I haven't put on my sheet. And normally I would call that a fail. I would decide that that means my system doesn't work. And I would then start looking for a Notion template or a Kanban board or whatever it is that would be the system that works, that I actually stick to. And I don't now. I take that as a sign that I just need to get back to my system. I just need to go, okay, we'll pop those things into the file and then we'll go from there. . Because this system has the features that I need. It has the ability to keep track of what I need to do. It works with role based time blocking and it has the ability to simplify. Cause if I see too many things at once, it's all going to go wrong. And so, from that perspective, this system works really well for me.
What I still struggle with, what I'm still not very good at, is checking the damn system. Checking the list. So there are days when I'm here and I do two hours work and then I'm like, I haven't even looked at my to do list, I have no idea. And they were things I needed to do, because they were on post it notes, they were in my inbox, whatever it was. But sometimes I look at my to do list after a few hours and I'm like, Oh my God, there's so many things. And then I look at them, I go, hang on, I've done that one. I've done that one. I've done that one. And I just haven't ticked them off. And again, I used to beat myself up about that. I used to think that I had to be somebody who diligently checked their to do list at the beginning of the day and diligently checked things off as I did them and diligently reconciled it at the end of the day and added things in and wouldn't that be nice?
And I am building towards that. I am slowly working at my systems as to how that will work better. And each week or each fortnight I experiment with a different way of helping myself with that. But without reinventing the whole system, without deciding that I need to translate everything into Todoist app or whatever, um, this is the system. This is just the system. And I'm going to keep nudging back to it. And that's okay. It doesn't have to be perfect.
But the more often I think, Oh, I haven't looked at that. Oh, I haven't put these in it. Then the closer it is to up to date anyway. There's very few people. If you're listening to this and you are one of these people, then all credit to you. But there's very few people that manage this stuff absolutely perfectly. And we don't have to. It's okay. We can do it in our own little way. And then get back on track and then do those things, use it exactly as we intend for a while and then not, and then get back on track. And the key, the bit I'm working on with all of this is reducing the amount of time in which I realize that I'm not using my system because back in the day, before I discovered coaching, before I discovered any of this work, I would not notice for ages that I'm not using it. I wouldn't consciously note that I'm not using it. I'd kind of be aware, but I wouldn't stop and think about that. And then I would declare the system rubbish and me rubbish and reinvent. Whereas what I'm really working on now is maybe not taking a week to notice that I haven't checked my to do list recently and haven't updated it and I've been going off a piece of paper instead, but to take three days or to notice today or to notice this morning and that as soon as I notice I'm a little bit not using it to move back into it.
It's a little bit like, so my stepdaughter is going to be learning to drive soon and her grandparents live on a farm. And so she's been, you know, even though she's not 17 yet she's been able to practice up and down the farm track a bit. And, you know, when you're learning to drive, you can overcorrect. She's actually pretty good at her steering, but you can often overcorrect a bit or not realize you're drifting. And as you become a better driver, you're much better at just noticing tiny shifts and correcting them. That's what I'm working towards. Just being able to spot a bit quicker that I'm not doing the system as I want to, and nudging myself back to it, but not beating myself up every time.
Yeah, we've all been that learner driver where we're like, I can't believe I can't do this. This is so bad. It's like, no, it's okay. Of course you can't do it. We're just going to, as time goes, we're going to get better. That's the sort of vibe that I'm trying to bring to all of this.
The fourth thing I struggle with is decision making. I still have a brain that wants to do everything. I have so many ideas. Honestly, if I could run a company where I'm doing all the things, I have so many ideas for you guys that would help PhD students, that would help postdocs, that would help senior professors, leaders. I want to work with professional services. I want things that you can buy online that are completely self paced. I want high end coaching where it's super bespoke. I just want to do it all. I want to help you guys so much, and I'm so excited. I want to be doing keynotes. I want to be writing books. I want to everything. And so I find it difficult to make decisions because I want to do all of it. And making a decision means telling myself I can't do everything.
And I have a whole course on this. You can go back to my podcast about how to make decisions or my podcast about what to do if you have too much to do. If you want to know more about the workshops that I do for universities, then do get in touch.
There's still some available to book, but for example, I'm running one for Birmingham on Monday. So the day this comes out on how to make decisions and prioritize and I still find this very difficult. The difference now is I understand why I find it difficult. I find it difficult because I'm enthusiastic about all of them. I find it difficult because part of me still believes, to some extent, that I should be able to do it all and that I would be happy if I could do it all.
The difference now, after coaching, is that I know that bit's not true. I know that I shouldn't be able to do it all. I know that it's not realistic on any level to do all the things that I want to be doing right now. And I also know that I wouldn't be happy if I tried. I know that the attempt to do everything and feel happy because you get to do everything culminates in not enjoying doing any of it.
It's a bit like trying to eat all of your favourite foods on the same plate. So you might love ice cream, and you might love sausages, and you might love candy floss, and you might love avocado, but if you had them all on a plate Not so hot.
And I know that now. So I know that it's uncomfortable to make decisions, and I know why it's uncomfortable for me. And whilst that doesn't make it any easier, and I still avoid it, it means that I do understand better that it helps. And I do understand that what I need to do is pick things to meet my different needs.
So there's about 47 hobbies that I would love to have. More than that. So many more than that. But what I'm working on at this year is sort of picking one for the month, and then embedding new things. So from a physical activity perspective, January was about walking more. And I did, I increased my steps per day by 2, 000 or so extra steps compared to the end of last year.
And that was my big thing. I was trying to do some strength training, but I wasn't putting a big thing on adhering to that. And then I did okay in January. I didn't quite add as much as I wanted, but I did okay. And then in February, it's like, right, let's keep on the walk and keep trying to increase that a bit. But I want to be a little bit more focused on adding the strength training stuff.
And again, It's not been perfect. I've just done my monthly review and it's not been perfect, but it's been a lot better on the strength training and the walking I've maintained is slightly better than January.
And now March coming up, I want to add a racquetball session every week. We played a couple of times in February, but a bit more ad hoc. I want to add that in. And then my idea is to get back to silks in April. And so rather than, as I would have done in the past, going, I'm going to go to silks and I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that, and I'm going to finish writing my novel, and I'm going to sew this, and I'm going to paint regularly, and I'm going to do this, da da da.
My brain still wants that, but I'm getting much better at going, but not all of the time. So I find it hard. I still have to battle my inner instinct. I've still got a brain that is going, you should be painting more. You should be sewing more. You haven't even got your paddleboard out yet. What's happening?
But those things can come later. I'm going to start introducing paddleboarding after silks is embedded, so that I can go out on my paddleboard more. And we'll just see, and if at some point it becomes too much, then I make a decision about which things I swap out. Maybe racquetball is a winter thing and paddleboarding is a summer thing, and we rotate them. So it's getting easier. It's hard, and I recognize I don't like doing it, but I'm getting better at making it less painful and doing it more often.
And then the fifth thing, and this is the one that's hardest to admit, is the beating myself up. Because, you know, I do coaching from a compassionate point of view, where we're really accepting of ourselves, and where the first thing we need to do is remove or try and reduce at least this level of self blame and self criticism that so many of us have.
And I sometimes feel a bit of a fraud when I know that I do still criticise myself. I share all this stuff with you guys and I share all this stuff with my clients and encourage them not to beat themselves up too much and to be more understanding and I still beat myself up quite regularly. And that might feel like I'm being hypocritical and it might feel like, you know, how can, how can I be helping you guys?
I say this to myself sometimes. How can I be helping you guys not to beat yourself up so much when I still beat myself up? But the thing I've really realized from that is I do still beat myself up. But I don't mean it as much as I used to. So I have these little dips where I'm criticizing myself but they don't feel as bad. They don't feel as true. In that moment, they feel true enough that I'm thinking them. But I know I'm being a bit dramatic and I know I'm being a bit unfair to myself. And when I'm not in that little pit, I don't believe them at all.
I, you know, I believe the good things about myself and that's a huge difference. I used to have a high baseline of beating myself up all the time with then some really quite low dips of criticizing myself even more. And now the dips aren't as low and they don't last as long and I don't take them so seriously. And I'm definitely getting a lot better at not beating myself up about beating myself up.
Because then that adds a whole other layer, doesn't it? If we're criticizing ourselves for not being able to regulate our thoughts and emotions better, then we're adding more critique on top of the critique that's already there. And that bit I'm getting much better at. I'm getting much better at telling myself You beat yourself up because you care, you beat yourself up because you want to be doing all these things, but you know, it doesn't help.
So we don't need to do that. And you know, it's not really true. And sort of like with the tools, I'm much better at regulating it back. Cause that's what it's all about, right? This is about regulation. If you think about tools as in like mechanical tools or whatever. Anything that regulates itself, a thermostat, it doesn't keep things at the exact same temperature all of the time.
It doesn't do it perfectly. It notices when the temperature veers off and turns up the heating. Or it notices when the temperature goes the other way and turns off the heating. That's what I'm getting better at doing. I'm getting better at knowing when I veer away from things that work for me, and I'm getting better at making the adjustments to nudge myself back there, but I still find them hard.
I still struggle. There's still days where I don't time block. I don't follow my time blocks. I don't get started when I intend to. I don't make decisions about what I'm doing. I criticize myself and I don't update my to do list. There's days like that, quite a lot of days like that, but you know what? It's okay.
I'm still getting done so much of what I want to be getting done. I'm still helping so many of you. I'm still enjoying my life so much more and I'm quite enjoying the project of working on these things, because now that I see it as a little fun project of things that I can refine, rather than an inherently broken me that I need to fix, it becomes a little bit more of a like, Oh, I wonder if this helps. I wonder if that helps. And that's so much better.
If this has resonated with you, I really want you to think about which podcasts have you avoided listening to because you think you would never implement it perfectly?
Go and listen to them. Try it out. Try it imperfectly. If you think you need more support with this, check out my website for all the different services I have. If you're listening to this live, then it's kind of the beginning of March, something like that.
I have a new program for PhD students and postdocs where it's three months support. You get a ton of workshops, you get online coaching, you get an ebook and it is all about this stuff, learning to speak to yourself better, learning to organize yourself better from a compassionate and understanding perspective. So if you're somebody who thinks you can't change these things, but that this episode has given you a little bit of hope that maybe it could be easier than it feels right now, just drop me a message. Say I might be interested. I'll send you a bunch of information. There is an outline on my website, but it's always nice just to be able to chat about it.
If you are listening to this on the day it comes out, on Wednesday, I have a free workshop to help you review your February and plan your March.
Again, message me for the details. I'll send you the zoom link completely free. There will be a little bit of information in it about my program, but don't worry. The majority of the session is going to be helping you develop this reviewing and planning habit, which is one thing that I've been doing since September, actually sticking to and finding enormously useful. So do try and come along if you hear this in time. I'm sure I'll run it again at some point soon if it's past that date, by the time you hear this. I hope today has been useful. It's been really interesting for me to reflect on these things too. So for listening to me chat and I will see you next week.