2. Compare and contrast

I want you to conjure up a picture of your perfect boss. Perhaps you have been lucky enough to have had a boss or supervisor in the past who was amazing for you. That “for you” is a really important point; it doesn’t matter if everyone loved this person or not, the point is that for you they were perfect. Perhaps it was a senior colleague, a teacher, a mentor, or a friend’s parent. I want you to start thinking about what made them so good for you. If someone specific doesn’t jump to mind, feel free to pull together a jigsaw of qualities from people that you remember or even invent people that you wish you knew.

Grab a piece of paper and actually jot down the answers to some of these questions. Some of you will try to do this in your head and I get it. I would probably do that too if I was reading someone else’s book. Trust me when I say that you’ll get much more out of this if you grab yourself a pen and just take five minutes to jot down some answers. There’s something about getting it out of your head and onto paper that changes the way we think.

Ask yourself:

-       What words would I use to describe this person?

-       Why do I find those qualities so helpful?

-       How does this person make me feel? 

Try to make this description as vivid as possible. We want this person to feel as real and human to you as possible. Remember, this person doesn’t have to be perfect though. Everyone has flaws, even our ideal boss. You may have come across Meredith Belbin before, who established the “team role theory”. He said that everyone brings different strengths to a team (characterised by his 9 team roles) and that, with these strengths, come “allowable weaknesses”. These are the opposites of the strengths and rather than being a flaw to be eliminated, they were inevitable trade-offs for the strength. For example, someone who is very detail orientated might come across as pedantic or unimaginative. Your ideal boss will, therefore, have weaknesses too, but they’ll feel like the “right” weaknesses for you.

Can you picture your person now? Let’s see how they’d respond to a series of scenarios. What I want you to do here is to first think how you would respond to this scenario. Please be as honest as possible – this isn’t about presenting your best self or your good intentions! This is about really reflecting inwards and reflecting on how you would usually respond. Think back to times that you’ve been in similar situations and try to answer as thoroughly as you can. Once you’ve worked out how you would respond, I want you to imagine going and consulting your ideal boss. What would they do or say to support you through this situation?

You don’t need to do every scenario although it could be interesting to do so. Pick and choose the ones that resonate with you.

Scenario 1

You’ve been working on a piece of work for 4 hours. It’s very detailed and you haven’t been doing this particular type of work for very long. It is due today. Just as you start to wrap up, you realise that you have made a mistake that is now woven through the piece of work. It’s going to take another few hours to correct this and that will take you past the deadline.

What would you be thinking? What would you do?

Now what would your ideal boss say and do?

Scenario 2

It’s Monday morning and you look at your calendar and to do list for the week. You have some personal commitments booked with your friends and family, some exercise planned, and you’re starting a new evening class. As you reflect on your week, you realise that there is too much work to do for your usual working hours. Last week you worked late and still didn’t get everything done.

What would you be thinking? What would you do?

Now what would your ideal boss say and do?

Scenario 3

You submitted a piece of work and have just received feedback on it. The document has extensive track changes and has about 40 comments inserted in the margins. You will need to address each in order to finish this piece of work. You had thought it was nearly finished when you submitted it.

What would you be thinking? What would you do?

Now what would your ideal boss say and do?

Scenario 4

You see a job advertisement that sounds really interesting. It’s a little more senior than your current role and would put you in a position of more responsibility. These roles don’t become available very often and you had anticipated applying for something like this in about a year’s time.

What would you be thinking? What would you do?

Now what would your ideal boss say and do?

Scenario 5

It’s the end of the month and you look back over your work for the period. You have completed about 75% of what you intended to complete.

What would you be thinking? What would you do?

Now what would your ideal boss say and do?

Scenario 6

You decided to work in a coffee shop for a change of scene. You have an important piece of work due and need to leave in a couple of hours. As you sit down, you see an old friend. She lives locally but you haven’t seen her for a while. She beckons you to join her at a neighbouring table where she is sat with her baby and another friend.

What would you be thinking? What would you do?

Now what would your ideal boss say and do?

Now that you’ve gone through the scenarios, I want you to compare your responses with those of your ideal boss. How did they differ? Were they different in the actual things that were said/thought? What about the tone of how they were said? Would you end up doing different things in each scenario if you had consulted your ideal boss?

Also think about how these differences (because I’m sure there are differences!) make you feel? When I have done this in the past, I’ve ended up feeling a little sad. It really stood out for me how harsh I was to myself compared to my ideal boss. It wasn’t just the things that I was saying to myself (and they were pretty mean!), it was the way I would cram more and more into my schedule without thinking about whether it would work for me. My ideal boss was much more compassionate and realistic; they would help me work it through to see what really was possible and would reassure me that that was enough and that it could still be fun.

For other clients it was realising how often they told themselves that they couldn’t do something, that they weren’t ready or that they wouldn’t get selected anyway. In contrast, their ideal boss would encourage them to believe in themselves, to assess their chances much more objectively and usually optimistically. When they realised that it was their own thoughts holding them back, they felt a bit more confident and in control.

Other clients noticed that they always took the easy route in the moment and then ended up berating themselves at the end of the week. Their bosses were firmer with them when the work needed doing but were then more complimentary about their achievements regardless of how much they got done. This sometimes made them feel guilty, because they realised as they did this exercise that they weren’t holding themselves to account and not giving themselves credit either.

However you’re feeling is fine. Notice it. Accept it.

The amazing news is that we can learn to be this ideal boss for ourselves. We can develop the skills and habits that enable us to respond more like our ideal boss. We can learn to be our ideal boss. Imagine how good that will feel. Let’s go.