- Introduction
I used to have this boss. She gave me great opportunities and encouraged me to push myself to do new and exciting things. She told me I had potential and that I could do amazing things. I knew she had my best interests at heart. At least I thought she did.
At the same time, she gave me a ridiculous schedule with far too much to do and I always felt like I was chasing my tail. One minute she’d tell me that I had to do all of it and then when I tried to do it, she’d look over my shoulder and go “oh yeah you’re never going to get all that done.” If I worked super hard and finished almost everything, she’d point out the one thing I hadn’t done and if I had a slower day, she’d make me doubt whether I was good enough at all.
It was not a great situation. I was exhausted, self-doubting, but always hopeful that if I just worked hard enough and did the right things, it would all be ok. It rarely was. It might surprise you to hear that I worked for this boss on and off for 20 years. Why didn’t I leave? Because this boss was right there inside my brain. She was my brain. She was me.
That was a cheesy twist I know. I’m sure you saw it coming. But it’s interesting isn’t it? When you see it laid out like that, as though it was an actual supervisor or boss, you realise that you wouldn’t stand for it. You’d leave or complain to someone or at very least come home and moan about this unreasonable unsupportive boss that you’re stuck with. Yet we do it to ourselves. I say “we” because I’m pretty sure you have similar stories of the unhelpful “boss” in your head. Most people do.
I’m not sure when it first started for me – probably as a high achieving student at school – but certainly throughout my academic career, I have been simultaneously telling myself that I should be able to do everything, I will never be able to do everything, and that everything will fall apart if I don’t. Yours might tell you something different. Maybe it tells you that you’re not good enough. Maybe it tells you that other people judge you. Maybe it just says things never work out for people like you.
The error we all make though is that we try to outrun the voice. We tell ourselves that if we just work more or just make ourselves bigger or smaller or smarter or nicer then the boss in our head will be pleased with us. We just need to try harder. And as we try harder, the irony is that we often end up achieving less. We procrastinate and waste time or fill our days with frantic action that doesn’t contribute to our true goals. And then we beat ourselves up for that as well.
The bad news is that we never reach the point where it’s good enough. We think that once we reach the next achievement or milestone that things will calm down a bit and we’ll feel more confident and together. It doesn’t happen. I’m going to blow my own trumpet a bit here just to make a point so please forgive me. I got straight As in school, I got a first at university, I went straight into my PhD and finished it in just over two years with seven publications. I went straight into a postdoc and progressed to full professor at the same university with multiple awards, publications ranging from psychology to immunology and metabolism to pedagogy, and a range of senior leadership roles. I volunteered, did a massive range of hobbies, kept up with friends and family, held down relationships and yet I still thought I needed to do more. I’m not unusual either. I coach senior academics all the time who are objectively amazing, and every time they are worried that they should be doing more or being more successful or being better partners or parents or friends.
There is no point at which this stops, unless you do something different. Read this book, for example 😊
This book will be for anyone who resonates with this chapter. Anyone whose brain tells them they need to do more or be different or be “better”. Anyone who has goals that they are struggling to achieve. Anyone who is bored of that same voice telling you it has to be perfect and that it never will be. The voice which says that you’ll get found out, that someone will realise that you’re not good enough to be doing what you’re doing.
It’s not just about self talk though. Your inner boss sets your schedule. They choose your tasks. They plan (or don’t plan) your rest and recuperation. We don’t just need to learn to be kind to ourselves, we need to learn how to plan our lives with compassion. How to make it easy to achieve our goals, how we make it fun to be ourselves, and how we prioritise amongst all the massive complicated infinite options that this world offers.
The good news is that this new boss is already inside you. If I asked you for advice for your friends and loved ones, you’d probably be way more thoughtful, kind and sensible than you ever are to yourself. We’ll discuss why that is, why it’s so much harder to support ourselves effectively, but at the moment, the point is that it means that we have a basis from which to build.
Through a bunch of stories and reflective exercises, you will slowly develop the inner boss that you want and that you deserve. We won’t ever be perfect – we’ll still criticise ourselves or set unrealistic schedules or doubt our abilities sometimes – but we’ll learn how to manage that with compassion too.
You are going to hear your own voice more than any other in your life.
You have more influence over your life than anyone you’ve ever met.
Let’s learn to be our own best boss.
