Has the pre-Christmas panic hit you yet? That feeling of having four thousand things that you simply have to do before you break up for the winter holiday? In this episode, I channel my inner Charles Dickens and help you figure out how to be kind to your past self, to your present self, and to your future self during this busy month. Let’s finish the year with more enthusiasm and less stress.
Transcript
In this episode I mention A Christmas Carol - if you're not familiar, this is the book I mean!
Hello and welcome to episode seven of the PhD Life Coach. I am going to start with a fact that you may or may not want to hear. This podcast is coming out on the 21st of November, 2022, which means that if you are listening to this live, you have approximately 20 to 25 working days till Christmas. This varies a little bit, depending on whether you're in the US and have Thanksgiving off as well, exactly how close you run up to Christmas, but it's in the ballpark.
Twenty to twenty five days. I have 20. I'm finishing in time for the school holidays. I want you to notice what emotions that brings up for you.
For me, there's an element of denial. What? No, we can't be that close to Christmas. No, no, no. We can't be. Don't say it. I don't wanna think about it. So there's that kind of denial thing.
There's also elements of shame that pop up, and I wonder if any of you experience this. I thought I'd be further along by now. I can't believe it's nearly Christmas and I still haven't done X, Y, Z, whatever that is for you. Are you feeling bits of shame or guilt?
There's definitely a chunk of overwhelm of, oh my goodness, I've got right, 20 days. I still need to do this. I still need to do that. How am I going to do this? I'm never going to get that bit done. Oh, my word.
And then there's an element of panic of, I literally can't do all these things. There's no way. I'm just going to have to ditch them. What can I ditch? I'm going to ditch this. I'm going to ditch that.
Which of those emotions do you feel when you think about how many days there are left til Christmas?
And if you're listening to this at some other time of year you've come back to this, think of, you know, maybe you've got the end of term coming, you've got till a deadline or something like that. Something that's maybe that kind of period. And the first thing today is all those emotions are completely normal.
Totally normal. Because the thoughts that we have in these settings make those emotions inevitable. We think. There's no way. How's that happened? You think thoughts that make this feel like it's a shock or it can't be true? We think thoughts about how we should have done things differently.
We think that we should have started this thing earlier. We should have progressed further. So we have all these should thoughts that lead to shame and to guilt. We have all these thoughts about how simultaneously we have to get everything done and we can't possibly do it all.
Have you ever thought both of those thoughts at the same time? I know I have. I've talked about that in previous podcasts. So these thoughts of, There's literally nothing on my list I can't do without letting people down, but also there's no way I can get all this done before Christmas are inevitably going to lead to feelings like overwhelm, and as we've discussed before, the problem, we're feeling overwhelmed as it goes one or two ways, and often both.
You go into frantic action, not really thinking about it, flying through, trying to do as much as possible, and sometimes that feels productive. But often what happens is you're sort of running around like a headless chicken, doing things that are maybe less important, putting off the more important things, or not even really thinking about that, or you start to procrastinate.
Because if you can't do it all then and it just creates these uncomfortable feelings, then inevitably you start procrastinating in order to avoid those feelings. And then once you've kind of gone through the overwhelm and the panic really hits, then you're thinking thoughts like, I just can't do this. Or I need to ditch things. I just need to ditch things. Whatever. I'll do that later. I'll do that later.
That doesn't need to happen before Christmas. That doesn't need to happen before Christmas. And you just sort of chuck them over the horizon, chuck them forwards. I'll worry about it later. I can't do that now. There's no way without really thinking those things through. So it's really understandable that you're feeling these feelings because you're thinking these thoughts and these thoughts are super common too.
I think one of the things about working in academia and being a student is we have these sort of designated chunks of our year even more so than most people because we have our terms, our semesters, the holidays, and so we're sort of always working on these chunks and so these sorts of thoughts and emotions probably happen quite regularly, but I feel like Christmas and that winter holiday is really one that really generates it for a lot of people, because it's the time when we feel real social pressure, real family pressure and personal desire to really put things down for a while.
But at the same time, it comes at the end of a period where there's often been loads happening that you want to finish. The way I really want to frame this for you, and I want you to think about, is about the different versions of you. So you may not have thought about this before. There's current you, there's the you that's living today. There's past you and past you is everything from the “you” you were yesterday and last week all the way through to the child you were, the teenager you were and so on.
So there's current you, there’s past you and there’s future you and you will be “future you” tomorrow and in a week and a month and a year.
One of the things that I really noticed when I was planning this episode is that when a big deadline, when a kind of time pressure hits, we start being mean to all three versions of ourselves, we start telling past us that we should have done more, and being really dissatisfied with past us and what we did. We start being really mean to current us because we expect ourselves to be able to work in this highly pressured environment where we're constantly telling ourselves that there's more to do and we'll never be able to do it, and we should be able to do it.
While at the same time not really being super clear on exactly what the priorities are and we are mean to future us because we start chucking a whole load of stuff into the future with not much thought or guidance.
I know we've all experienced that thing of opening up the to-do list in January and going, oh man, I'm going to have to actually do this now.
Because what I want to do in this episode is to think instead, what could we do? What could we think more importantly, that will mean that we are kind to our past selves, that we're kind to our present selves and we're kind to our future selves, while also doing the things that we've decided are important.
And there's some quite simple strategies that we can take that I'm gonna talk you through over the next 15 minutes or so that make this period so much more pleasant and more productive at the same time.
Let's start with our past selves, because a lot of the pain comes from the fact that we, we beat up our past self. We tell ourselves we should have done more. We tell ourselves that if I hadn't just slacked off that day, or I hadn't done such a rubbish first draft, that I would be further along than I am.
So our first step is acceptance. Our first step is looking at our past self and saying, you know what? You did what you could do. It's been tough. You've all got reasons it's been tough. It's a weird year again for everybody, for a whole variety of reasons. There might be things that you'd do differently if you knew things then that you know now, but the fact is you didn't.
You did the best you could with the circumstances that you were in and the thoughts that you were having at the time. You did your best and that's okay.
And I bet there's a whole bunch of stuff from this year that you're super proud of yourself for doing. Take a minute to think of those. Instead of spending all the time beating yourself up for the things you haven't done, take a minute to remember what you did do this year, the cool stuff that you've done, because I know you have so let's be kind to past us.
And that's partly because it feels loads better. But it's also because it's actually easier to get on and do things if you know that you are going to be kind to yourself in the future.
So if we are looking back and beating up past self now future you is probably going to look back and beat up this, you. And that doesn't feel good, and that doesn't make you want to get on with things.
So acceptance, as I discussed in the previous podcast, isn't about just letting ourselves off the hook and never getting better at anything. It's about understanding that we did what we did under the circumstances we were in, and that's okay, and we just move forward from there. So that's your first step.
The second step, and this one's always challenging, so I'm really gonna try and take you through it step by step, is we need to be kind to our presence selves.
There's nothing worse than having a boss that gives you an unreasonable workload, that doesn't help you prioritize, doesn't help you have clear instruction,s doesn't give you the resources that you need. Some of us might feel like we already have that boss in our supervisors or our universities, but when that boss is yourself, that's even worse.
So what we need to do to be kind to our present self is we need to decide. And I'm going to give you a bunch of things that I want you to decide on, and when I say decide, I want you to write it down because one of the things with decisions is they're only as useful as they are made. So if you kinda make a decision, I'm probably going to focus on this, but then tomorrow you rethink it and decide to focus on something different, that's not a decision and that doesn't help you.
And I know that because I do this to myself all the time.
So part of where the inspiration for this episode came from was me looking at the diary and going, oh, it's not long till Christmas. And I kept rethinking what I was going to get done between now and then, and I'd come up with one idea, and then I'd see some thread on Twitter from some person who tells me I have to post this many times, or whatever.
And I thought, oh, oh, actually, yeah, maybe I could do that as well. I could get that in as well. And so one of the things I spent time doing yesterday was actually planning out, okay, what am I actually gonna do between now and Christmas? And I really struggle with decision making.
It's one of the things I find hardest because my brain has 4,000 ideas at all times and I want to do all of them because I'm super enthusiastic, but then I get brain freeze. So decision making is something I really have to consciously make myself do.
So I sat down yesterday and I worked out, okay, you got four working weeks from the moment this podcast is released and what are we going to get done in each of those weeks, what are the priorities?
And I'll take you through the steps that that took for me. The first was deciding how much am I willing to give? So, I'm in quite a lucky situation now. I run my own business. I'm answerable only to myself, and I realize that's a hugely luxurious position compared to how I was even six months ago when I was still working in academia.
And some of you might be like, oh yeah, it's, it's completely different. I've got a hundred different people who are dependent on me for 40 different parts of my job, and I get it. I spent 20 years working in academia. I know what it's like. I remember at one stage working out that I had something like 27 different major roles and to-do lists associated with all of them.
It was ridiculous. I get it.
But at some point you have to decide how much am I willing to work? And if you think that that's too difficult, you are already deciding because there are times when you go to bed, there are times you sleep, there are times you eat. But you decide based on exhaustion in the moment or lack of focus in the moment.
So what I would really encourage you to do now is decide between now and Christmas, I am willing to work from this time to this time. I'm willing to work late on that day, maybe you'll say. I'm willing to work early on that day, maybe you'll say. I'm willing to work three hours on a Saturday, maybe. Maybe you'll decide I'm willing to work nine till five and that all you’re getting, because that's all you are paying me for.
Whatever you decide is up to you. Maybe those of you, they're part-time students, part-time members of staff. Maybe you'll decide I'm willing to work seven in the morning till 12, but after that, no. My afternoons are for my kids, my family, for whatever else. So there's no right answer to that, but decide now what you're willing to give.
And then we need to make decisions about the tasks and everyone just goes, oh, prioritize, give you the little Eisenhower matrix of, you know, important, urgent. It's not that straightforward, is it? Because what's urgent for somebody else? Feels urgent for you because they need it, but it's not necessarily important to you.
And often the things that are most important in the long run are the things that aren't urgent right now. And they're the things that usually are the most important to us. So I'm going to do a whole other podcast about why I don't love the Eisenhower matrix. If you're not familiar with it, it's the urgent and important thing, and it's like urgent, important.
Do those now. Important you know, schedule, blah, blah, blah, all that stuff. Delegate Ditch, not a fan. I'll tell you why in another podcast. But for now, I want instead to give you a series of questions to ask yourself that will perhaps help you to prioritize a little bit.
So the first thing is I want you to identify what tasks are you just deciding you're not going to do. Because whatever bit of your brain is telling you optimistically in the back, no, but I have to get it all done. You can't, you're literally not going to. I know you guys, I know your brain, I know myself. You're not going to do all the things that you think you're going to do before Christmas, so let's decide now.
Which ones are you just not going to do? And of those things, which are you just not going to do ever? Who could you write an email to today and say, Thanks for inviting me to do this. On reflection I’ve decided it doesn't fit with my current workload. Really grateful for the opportunity but not going to be able to. Thanks. Bye. Who could you send that to today? So what things are you just not gonna do?
What other things are you not going to do until later. And I want you to start thinking that now, because I guarantee a week before Christmas you are going to start frantically chucking things into January. So let's decide it now so we don't have the panic in the runup.
What things are you realistically not going to do before January? This is all about being kind to our present self. Let's not put ourselves through this farce that we are going to work really, really hard and get it all done because we are not, and if we do, we will probably burn out. So we are trying to be our own best supervisor, like I talked about in our first podcast, and be really clear and specific.
What are we not doing now? What are we not doing ever? The next one that we often miss out is, what are we gonna do badly? And I'm going to suggest to you the things you do badly are the things that are pointless, but have to be done. We all know there's quite a lot of those at universities. Stupid forms that somebody's asked you to fill in the same bit of information that you've been given somebody 10 times already and they want it again in a different format, whatever.
What can you do quickly and badly or just quickly? Sometimes we have tasks in our head - I need to give feedback on a draft or something - and we're like, oh, I need to spend five hours on that. I need to give detailed feedback on every section, whatever. Talk to your students, say to them. Would you rather have quick and dirty feedback on whether you are roughly on the right lines before Christmas, or would you prefer to have detailed feedback on your draft in January?
I guarantee at least some of them would rather have quick and dirty feedback now so they can keep moving forward over Christmas. Get more detailed feedback later. If you're a PhD student and you're like, there's literally nowhere I'm going to finish this draft with my supervisor before Christmas, it’s not going happen.
Ask your supervisor. Would you rather have a full draft in January or would you rather have a detailed plan or a written draft for half of it before Christmas?
Okay, so what tasks can you do quickly? What tasks can you do badly? So more quickly than you thought you would to a different scope, to a different quality than you originally thought you were gonna do because those, you can really go in and write.
I'm gonna bash these out quickly. I don't care if this email's well written or not. I'm just gonna get it sent. I don't care whether I've reformatted the form because it looks really messy because the fonts don't match because it's a stupid form. Anyway, I'm just gonna fill it in. Send it in. Boom. There you go. Good.
What things have you got on your list that are like that?
Decide now and then think what's the one or two things that would really move the needle for me that would really. Make me proud. Now it's your thoughts that make you proud, but what would really help move me towards my goals? Oh, it would be so good if I could just get a draft of that done or if I could just get my ethics submitted or whatever it is.
What's the one or two things like that? Cause what we're doing is we're gaining clarity in our present situation. We're helping present self really have a very clear idea about what they need to do, and we all know it's so much easier to get on with work if we know exactly what it entails.
Deciding specifically is being kind to your present self.
And the sort of thoughts I want you to have here are things like, I will do what I can do, and that's okay. I can make this clear for myself. I can do this one step at a time. I'm good at my job and this is what I'm deciding.
And that's a really important one. I'm good at this and this is what I'm deciding, and you write it down and your job then is not to second guess that for the rest of the month.
Your job then is to say, that's what I decided. I'm good at my job. And that's what I decided. I'm cracking on with this. I'm not doing that. I'm getting this done badly. Let's go. Okay, so we're being kind to our present self and we're reinforcing that with the thoughts that we have about it.
And then we also wanna be kind to our future selves.
We want to avoid this frantic chucking things into January with no real regard for the fact that that's still us. That's still, we are gonna be that future self. So, How can we be kind to our future self? Now, if we decide now when we've still got a month to go, we can be much less frantic about it. We can say, okay, I'm actually going to write that grant as soon as I get back in New Year, or I'm going to design those lectures when I get back in New Year.
But what you can do is you can spend 10 minutes now going, how can I make that easy for future me? I'm going to write little crib sheet. I'm going to find the files that I'm going to need so that when I come back, I've got a folder on my desktop that says, write this lecture and in it is the slides that somebody used last year and two key readings and da, da, da.
So spend 10 minutes when you've decided you're not going do it now, making it easy for you to do in the future. Okay? There's also the thing of managing people around you. So when we're being kind to our future selves and we're saying we are going to do that thing later, and we want to make that as easy and pleasant for them as possible, the other thing is trying to keep people in that loop.
So, you can let people know now that you are going to be doing that thing later. Often again, we push it to the last moment. I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to. And then at the last minute we send a message, Hey, I'm really sorry. I'm just not going to get it done. Let's send that message.
Now. Let's be kind to our future self so we're not feeling guilty having to send these messages later. Hi. I've been reflecting on my workload over the next month. Realist. I'm not going to get this to you now until January. Is there anything that would be useful in the meantime? How can we rejig things so this works for you in January, so you have those conversations early rather than sort of leaving future you to deal with the mess when you suddenly can't do it.
Okay? So the thing I want you to really think and remind yourself of here is I will still be me next year. Okay. Sometimes we have huge higher expectations of future us.
We're going to be so much more productive and so much more on it and motivated and all of these things. No. It's still going to be you. Hopefully we're going to, you know, with all this coaching and stuff, we're going to be a little modified version of us, a little upgraded version of us, but we’re still going to be us, and we're going to have to actually do this.
So let's be kind and make it as easy as possible.
So that is some tips for being kind to your past self, being kind to your present self, being kind to your future self, and how that can make this whole period much more positive, much more productive, much more enjoyable.
The final thing is there's other people in your world, And that makes life good and it makes life complex all at the same time.
And one of the things that I've really noticed in myself and in my colleagues is that when you are under pressure, it can really bring out the judgey in other people. So I don't know about you, but the more stressed I get and the more behind I feel, the more snippy I get at other people who haven't given me the things I need.
So whilst I'm simultaneously going, well, I had far too much to do, I couldn't fill that for me. I couldn't do this, I'm also at the same time going, well, if they'd just asked me sooner, if they'd given me more notice, if they'd actually got their comments back to me, I could have done this. I get judgey at other people because I'm being judgey with myself.
Now, hopefully we've called down some of the judginess on ourselves anyway, but regardless, keep an eye out for the fact that over the next month you might get super judgey with other people.
And so I've got some thoughts for you here too. Other people are struggling too. So when it's the people that you get kind of bitter about them not doing it, not working as hard as you, not being as committed as you, not taking it as seriously as you, other people are struggling to, and you never know what's happening behind the scenes. Remind yourself of that.
If on the other hand, you find yourself at the other end of almost being too compassionate, that you want to solve for everybody else's problems, you want to take things from them, you don't want to ask them to do things because they've got too much already.
Another thought I want to offer is I can't control their feelings. They think their thoughts and have their feelings. And you can behave in a way that you believe to be true and ethical and good for you, but you can't control other people's feelings. That's not your responsibility. That's not within our power. And when we try to, we usually cause more problems than we solve.
Another point I want you to remind yourself is that other people have to prioritize too. So, Sometimes we get grumpy that people aren't doing the things we think they should be doing, but we're not doing the things that they think we should be doing.
So sometimes we just have to accept, other people are prioritizing too, and maybe this thing's not a priority for them. And if you can accept that, then you start to figure out, okay, well do I need them involved in this project? Can I move it on without them? Is there a way to make it easier for them? Is there a way to make this more likely to happen?
So one thing I always did was if somebody needed something for me that wasn't a priority for me, but was a priority for them, I'd try and arrange meetings to do it. So I'd say, look, let's just get in a room and do it, because then I will do it and it’s done. Whereas if you wait for this to come to the top of my to-do list, it is never going be the top priority for me. So let's just book it in. We'll do it. It's outta the way. So reminding yourself, other people I have to prioritize too.
And the final one is remembering that a whole lot of pain comes from expecting people to behave any way other than the way they've always behaved. We waste so much time and energy thinking and talking about how somebody should behave different than they do.
They should do this faster. They shouldn't be like that. They should say this. They shouldn't say that. They shouldn't treat me like that.
All those things might be true, but expecting them to be any different just sets you up for thoughts that are going to make you feel frustrated and annoyed, aggrieved, all of these things, people are going to behave the way they behave.
That's not to say we should accept unacceptable behaviour and taking a moment to think, is this full-on actually unacceptable behaviour that I need to say something about, do something about? Or am I just expecting them to fall into line with my priorities and my standards for behaviour? If we can just sit back and go, of course they've done that, they’re so and so, they always do that.
Yeah, I'll work around that. I'll do this, I'll do that. Whatever it is, just takes so much of the frustration and sting out of these interactions.
So really try and keep some of those thoughts in mind. Have a think for yourself, what thoughts work for you, what helps you manage and just keep the heat out of what can become a little bit of a pressure cooker in the run up to the holiday season.
And finally, I want you to make some sort of prompt that you stick post it notes or reminders on your phone, whatever it might be, to remind you to celebrate your way. So what I want you to be saying all the way through this, every time you finish something or every time you make progress on something, I am so glad I chose to get that done.
I'm so glad I put two hours into getting that sorted. I'm so glad I got that form just gone in 10 minutes because it was stupid and it's now off my plate. I'm so grateful that I did this.
Whatever it is, put something somewhere to remind yourself to talk like that because you become your own reinforcing prophecy.
Even if it feels stupid at first, the more you keep saying to yourself, I'm so glad I got that done. I'm so glad I chose to do this. I'm so glad I did that. The more you start to seek that, so the more you carry on doing your tasks because you know you are going to get rewarded, even if it's only the reward of hearing yourself congratulate yourself.
In this last four weeks, five weeks, be kind to your past self, be kind to your current self, be kind to your future self. It's almost like the Christmas Carol. I've only just realized that it's almost like the Christmas ghosts, isn't it? And if you're not familiar with that, put it on your to-do list to read or watch over Christmas, Be kind to all versions of ourselves and congratulate yourself for what you do get done.
Let's sprint into Christmas and enjoy the stuff we get done and the time that we give ourselves by not having the frantic panicked finish.
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